Executive Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement

Friday, September 7, 2007

Bin Laden Urges Americans to Convert to Christianity (Only Jesus is Lord, He Cries Out!)

Bin Laden Urges Americans to Convert

Osama bin Laden, denouncing his claim as the Living Prophet of the Church of Latter Day Terrorists, has himself converted to Christianity. Realizing murdering Americans as a proselytizing method, he has decided to pursue a more peaceful way.

Noting Billy Graham (http://www.bgea.org) is ill and no longer the evangelist he once was, and that he, bin Laden, is a young buck by comparison, taking up Graham's place at the pulpit would be an honor.

Comfortable in this new spiritual skin of his, he has publicly apologized to leading Jews, and to the Jewish community on the whole for what he called, "My infidelic ways," against God's chosen people. They warmly embraced him, and gave him Mel Gibson's phone number so they could discuss ideas for repairing relationships, and then shared some chicken soup.

Salt Lake City, the headquarters for the Morons (the popular name for the Church of Latter Day Terrorists) , had mixed feelings. They thought bin Laden's bombing on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, was poor form, but, they also knew his family life was built on "shaking sand and oil money." They went onto say he was a good recruiter, but was misguided. They wanted him involved in stem cell research, not terror cell development. It was their fault, they said, claiming they should not have expected a rich kid from the country of Sudan to know English well.

Bin Laden is scheduled to appear next week on CNNLive, Larry King and the 700 Club, with cameos on Jay Leno and Ellen. The Oprah Show could not confirm whether he would be on because of scheduling conflict with diet guru Bob Greene. They said they thought bin Laden would be a great guest, but Greene was going to be on with Martha Stewart to make a Rachel Ray inspired pork dish, and that, "You know Martha and Bob, they just have to have their pork."

Hillary Clinton's campaign bristled at the thought of another Christian in world leadership, while Barack Obama nodded his head, and with his big Tiger Woods-sized smile, said he thought the US should leave Iraq, and this just proves it. Louis Farrakhan shrugged, "Eh, you win some you lose some."

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