Restore Sanity, Beck, Stewart, Restoring Honor

The more things are different, the more they stay the same.
Coffee or tea party? How about a stiff drink?

Now, the stiffs are busy voting in Chicago.

Barack Obama, a Liberal Man's George W Bush: A cowboy without a hat, he wears a mitre.

Constitutional expert and definer Barack Obama, America's current president, is moving forward with speed toward his health care initiative. It is, of course, his Iraq War. Just as cowboy George pushed the Iraq War on a a public which did not exactly understand, Barack is pushing the health care project.

Just like Iraq, a real threat is before us. With Iraq, we looked at terrorism, now vanquished thanks to Barack's excellent negotiating skills. We were scared and stupid. "Crucify them!" we cried, trading the Barabbas of Truth for the Christ of the Middle East. And crucify them we did, not matter how innocent they were. But thankfully, Barack was chosen by the college of blue birds. With the signal of blue smoke, they announced his elevation, and now, troubles no more. Can I hear a sweet amen from his pews?

Here we are now with another looming disaster, but Barack is here, thank God. He has seen their corruption, their malfeasance, their evil. With health care in disarray, ready to topple Washington DC, a new cowboy has ridden into town. Like George W. Bush, he does not need to work bilaterally, but has an agenda that American must have, lest in fall to the the health terrorist. Free markets have gone on long enough, and need wrangling and slaughtering.

As the Constitution so clearly demands, health care is the right of all, Father B as we lovingly like to think of him, has touched this and is healing America. The Constitution declares: Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and health care to be provided by the people for the people at the expense of the people. A tear in my eye is welling up. Please. I need a moment to salute those blessed words as I type.

Rev. George only looked at Iraq. He, never now to become Pope, did not know what to do with health care. His priorities were short-sighted, incapable of caring for his flock. As such, he only served eight years in office, having been merely elected and not chosen.

In St. Washington's Basilca, Father B. speaks from the chair, and has said that he will do whatever is necessary to ensure health care. The Republicans, or as he refers to them, "separated brethren," will deter him no longer. He is working now to institute Slaughter House Rules (Mother Pelosi is assisting), which will assist him in pushing bills not even the great John Kerry dreamed of in the Crusades of 2004.

Tears run still from my eyes. I know now my sins of trusting the corporate insurance companies. How did I dare think they were good? Why did I let them exist? Why did our forefathers miss the inalienable right of health care? Roosevelt? Truman? Dear lords, how, how, how!

George W., you have failed us, though, like your predecessors, you were only human. Repent, and thank God with us that Father B. is here to hear our prayers.

Buy your own POPE HAT VELOUR.

Barack Obama Rejects the Nobel Peace Prize (repost)

In a brief, but eloquent speech, President Barack Obama turns down the esteemed Nobel Peace Prize.

Realizing the award's intrinsic deficiencies that ruined the musical career of U2 front man and 2008 winner Bono, who ever after turned out songs no one liked, and of Yasser Arafat. Arafat, famously peaceful and anti-military until his 1994 award, but then turned into a warmongering beast. The President wisely knew he was not capable of pressing through the tests such an award can offer. He was not as strong as Jimmy Carter, also a US president, who accepted the award in 2002, and since then has always said the right thing.

The President recognized he was not being awarded by just the Nobel committee, but a vast legion of interspatial congregation of lords.

"Lord Lightyear, Lord Spock, Lord Mork, Lord Jar Jar, and Lord Kal-El, I am honored. Citizens of the universe and of that vague place called heaven, I cannot in good faith accept this cherished prize so long as we are at war, and so long as the Peace Mother lives."

He then whispered something in Neptunian to indicate his oneness with the universe, "No-Salami Yukkum", meaning: "Peace be upon plants and animals, who are our gods." It was also an acknowledgement to the universal commission for the ethical treatment of plant life. Up until the Obama Administration, the vegan and vegetarian community, teamed up insidiously with the evil omnivorians, terrorized the vegetable world, methodical ripping plant life from their native land and devouring them. Then, a quiet mineral eater spoke with a loud voice, "Remember the lichen," and protests ensued, almost destroying all life in the known interplanetary stellar regions. The President's nod continued as he celebrated his prize rejection by lifting up a glass of purified hydrogen-oxygen drink and breaking nutrient bread, a tasty nitrogen bar dipped in a carbonic sauce.

Lip Readers Hired at the White House Bar Learn Facts

Official White House paparazzi lip readers have transcribed this event kindly for us. Only a few words were heard.

President Barack Obama: Thanks for coming guys. I want you to know that at the White House, we, especially the Democrats, are down to Earth blue collar folks. (aside: Charles, could you bring us another?)

Henry Louis Gates: Thanks, Barry. We're old friends. You and I have shared a few good times.

BO: That we have. Hehe. That we have.

Sergeant James Crowley: Yeah, thanks Mr. President. As you know, I'm a Boston cop. We always vote Democrat. We really never consider anyone else.

BO: Glad to hear it. Hank, how's your book coming along?

HLG: Fantastic. Thanks to this whole episode, I'll be hitting the speaking circuit at a very sweet fee. This will help me with my summer home. How about you, Jimmy?

JC: No summer home. I'm a cop, remember.

HLG: You'll get one someday.

JC: How?

BO: Audacity of hope man!

JC: Hope? Based on what?

BO: I'm the president. I can take care of you.

JC: Running in 2012?

BO: Probably. How can I lose? Palm of my hand, baby.

HLG: I thought about running.

BO: You could use a few laps. I didn't want to say, but you are looking like a fat cat.

HLG: I mean for the presidency.

BO: Against me? You couldn't even beat Sarah Palin. Haha! I kicked Hillary down too.

JC: Thanks for that.

BO: Voted for me?

JC: Well, not so much for you, but against her.

HLG: Here! Here! And I thought people were just voting against Bush. Oh, man, this is good brew. Whoa, JC, did you do that? Man, that's nasty.

JC: Not me? Prez?

BO: Um...

JC: Dude.

HLG: Speaking of stink, what can we do about cash for clunkers? I have a 2008 Lexus I need to dump...

JC: Oh, that's yours? It is parked illegally out front. I gave you a ticket.

HLG: Great, There you go. Keeping the black man down! Do you know who I am?

BO: You don't mind if I have a smoke do you?

President Bush Screws Up Robert Gates' Name

As reported in the conservative website, the Huffington Post, President Bush found himself apologizing for his mistaking Robert Gates for Bill 'Water' Gates. Rush Limbaugh chuckled uneasily, not sure if that warmth running down his leg was a thrill or something else.

The liberal rags, from FOX News to the Red State Guns Gazette, all declined the opportunity to castigate a sitting president on such trivialities. If President Bush were standing when he said this, all bets would be off, and snark season would begin.

Obama's 9-11 Reenact Floods Money Into Economy

People are upset about the flyby. Not noted until now was that a third of a million bucks were redirected from taxpayers into the economy. Deftly securing an opportunity to do his part to boost cash flow in the United States, and put his military people to work (with the Middle East conflicts and Iraqi War resolved, we have too many soldiers goofing off).

Showing off the latest of planes, the newly elected president sent a message to the terrorists of the world, "We can fly around New York better than you can. See, we didn't hit any buildings. You idiots hit two."

Way to go President Obama!

Presidential plane's photo op over New York cost as much as $357000

Presidential plane's photo op over New York cost as much as $357,000
Defense Secretary Robert Gates today apologized for the incident in a letter posted on Sen. John McCain's website.
By Michael Muskal
11:22 AM PDT, May 8, 2009
A publicity stunt that terrified many New Yorkers still leery of another terror attack involving low-flying aircraft cost as much as $357,000 in taxpayer funds to stage over Manhattan, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said today.

The flyby by a plane used as Air Force One and two other Air Force craft shocked commuters in Manhattan and New Jersey and was condemned by furious city and state officials.

In a letter released today, Gates apologized for the incident. The letter was posted on the Senate website of John McCain, the ranking Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committee. McCain has called the incident an "Air Farce One photo op." Gates in his letter said the cost of a jumbo jet that is used as the president's plane was estimated between $300,658 and $328,835. The cost of two accompanying F-16 jets was $28,177 for a maximum total of $357,012.

A Smoker in the Big House

I'm all for Obama smoking. He'll do more to restore RJ Reynolds than Bush could ever do. We need an advocate in the White House showing the world you can be fit and smoke. Smoking should be, and is, bipartisan entertainment. Men, women, old and young.

If McCain won, what a disaster! Sarah Palin runs marathons. Her health kick would continue to ruin the simple pleasure of sitting with a beer and a smoke while watching the game. Who wants a stick like her?

Obama's got kids, and they know he smokes responsibly. He's a good example, so when they decide to light up when they are 15 or 16, they'll be careful and choose only American smokes. Hopefully, he'll be able to curtail all that anti-tobacco crap the schools are feeding kids. Leave morality out of schools.

Everyone starts in high school. It is no big deal. Growing up with a smoker will strengthen their lungs, ready for every environment. Washington has pollution, but they'll be able to handle it.

This is a great day for freedom - for smokers - everywhere.

Keeping Costs Down, Obama's Inauguration Will Only Be 3.5 Times as Costly

Noting an economy sorely in need of belt tightening, Barack Obama's leadership has decided to keep down inauguration costs to a mere $150 million, just over 350% of what George W Bush spent.

The reasoning is, "Since I'm pulling the troops out of the Iraqi democracy project, I have extra money, or, rather, I will soon enough. Pay it forward, I say.

More than $150 million — and yep, that's the most expensive ever. (By comparison, George W. Bush's 2005 inauguration cost $42.3 million. Bill Clinton managed with $33 million in 1993.)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_pl204

Hillary Clinton Turns Down Secretary of State Cabinet Position

In an unexpected turn of events, Hillary Clinton told Barack Obama to, "Shove it," regarding his offer she become Secretary of State in the Obama cabinet.

"I was supposed to be president. The media promised me," and reminded reporters about their new houses and vacation time shares in Alaska.

Barack Obama released a statement:

I'm stunned. I was certain she would take whatever crumbs I offered. I needed a secretary. She needed a job. I thought, in my bid to help America's economy, I could hire her off the street, and keep her from skid row. Her insolence surprises me, especially after the sweet manner she ran her campaign. I needed a right hand man, and Hillary clearly was the one for it. Finding manly men in my party is hard, as we all know.

Paris Hilton Responds to John McCain Ad

Paris Hilton Responds to John McCain Ad

Barack Obama left silenced, having missed the opportunity to respond.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Cindy 'Pizza Mom' Sheehan Protests Rose Bowl, Hits on George Bush

At great odds with the aggressive style of football between two of America's top universities, Cindy Sheehan has joined a throng of anti-footballians to protest this year's Rose Bowl.

Tournament of Roses President CL Keedy responded to Pizza Mom Sheehan by saying, "Her own son played football, but was tackled. Sad? We think so too. This America's great sport of warriors, and he was not much on the field. We understand he was cut from the practice team in junior high. Humiliating? Yes, but football is not for bench warmers."

Sheehan argued that if she could just meet with Keedy, she could explain to him to errors of football. She camped out for a few weeks in front of his office, but Keedy wasn't there. He was watching the Rose Bowl cheerleaders in his 'secret place'.

"If controversy like this diminishes the positive impact of the Rose Parade, it would be of concern," Pasadena Mayor Bill Bogaard said. He continued, "But who is kidding who here is Cindy. We know she's just trying to scare up some tickets any way she can. Her bookie suggested if she was at the game, the other team, the one she is betting against, might lose."

Anne Coulter piped in, "Cindy can have my tickets. The University of Illinois has asked me to suit up, and those liberal University of Southern California Trojans are a bunch of pansies. I'm a Fighting Illini now, baby."

George Bush was asked about his thoughts of Cindy's participation in this protest.

"Cindy and me. We go way back. Not as far back as Bill and Monica, but she wanted to jump my bones back at Crawford, TX," said George.

"See, now, Laura and I aren't into that kind of thing. Just because Jenna and Barbara are living on the wild side doesn't mean Laura and me swing that way. We're United Methodists, you know, and we're conservative.

"But, hey, I'm a compassionate conservative. I think my buddy Dick Cheney is around, and he's said he thinks Cindy's pretty hot. He's into wrinkly mommas."

Anti-war and human rights activists to protest at Rose parade

Rose Parade

Bin Laden Urges Americans to Convert to Christianity (Only Jesus is Lord, He Cries Out!)

Bin Laden Urges Americans to Convert

Osama bin Laden, denouncing his claim as the Living Prophet of the Church of Latter Day Terrorists, has himself converted to Christianity. Realizing murdering Americans as a proselytizing method, he has decided to pursue a more peaceful way.

Noting Billy Graham (http://www.bgea.org) is ill and no longer the evangelist he once was, and that he, bin Laden, is a young buck by comparison, taking up Graham's place at the pulpit would be an honor.

Comfortable in this new spiritual skin of his, he has publicly apologized to leading Jews, and to the Jewish community on the whole for what he called, "My infidelic ways," against God's chosen people. They warmly embraced him, and gave him Mel Gibson's phone number so they could discuss ideas for repairing relationships, and then shared some chicken soup.

Salt Lake City, the headquarters for the Morons (the popular name for the Church of Latter Day Terrorists) , had mixed feelings. They thought bin Laden's bombing on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, was poor form, but, they also knew his family life was built on "shaking sand and oil money." They went onto say he was a good recruiter, but was misguided. They wanted him involved in stem cell research, not terror cell development. It was their fault, they said, claiming they should not have expected a rich kid from the country of Sudan to know English well.

Bin Laden is scheduled to appear next week on CNNLive, Larry King and the 700 Club, with cameos on Jay Leno and Ellen. The Oprah Show could not confirm whether he would be on because of scheduling conflict with diet guru Bob Greene. They said they thought bin Laden would be a great guest, but Greene was going to be on with Martha Stewart to make a Rachel Ray inspired pork dish, and that, "You know Martha and Bob, they just have to have their pork."

Hillary Clinton's campaign bristled at the thought of another Christian in world leadership, while Barack Obama nodded his head, and with his big Tiger Woods-sized smile, said he thought the US should leave Iraq, and this just proves it. Louis Farrakhan shrugged, "Eh, you win some you lose some."

Moore, Gore Missing from Top Movies of All Time

The Top Movies of All Time list has been released. Remarkably absent? All Michael Moore movies, including SiCKO and Fahrenheit 911. Missing also was that Al Gore flick,
An Inconvenient Truth.

Doesn't anyone recognize these two filmmakers are creative kin to Orsen Welles, Alfred Hitchcock and Martin Scorsese? Steven Spielberg has nothing on Moore.

Right?

French-Canadian Pop Singer Celine Dion to Sing the Song of Hillary

Voters did not choose an American. Not just any Canadian, but a French-Canadian.

What do I say? Don't start believing.

Rumors of Hillary's potential running mates include Mick Jagger (a shoo-in as president of vice) and, if not Sir Mick, then Nicolas Sarkozy, that Hungarian-named French president who will be looking for a real job next year once he finds out how weak his health benefits are.

Voters pick Celine to join Hillary's campaign
Telegraph.co.uk - 23 hours ago
By Alex Spillius Supporters of Hillary Clinton will only have themselves to blame if they become bored with Celine Dion over the coming months, after choosing a hit by the Canadian singer to be the US presidential hopeful's official campaign song.

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Soprano's spoof/parody

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Soprano's spoof/parody

Is this a wise, foolish, or indifferent thing for a presidential candidate to do?

Hillary Announces She's Running for the Presidency

Hillary Announces She's Running for the Presidency
Howard Dean is the Expected Running Mate *
---- by Anthony Trendl, ALT News Service
editor of hungarianbookstore.com

CHICAGO -- In a bold, unorthodox move, Hillary Clinton, famous for her strong, contentious liberal views and carpet bagging, has announced today at the Playboy Mansion in Chicago that she will run for the presidency in the 2004 National Election. Mrs. Clinton spoke about how she would bring America to the underpaid factory worker and to the stay-at-home mom. Beside her applauding were billionaire investor Sam Zell and Playboy's CEO Christie Hefner.



This is unusual, as though her necessary papers were filed in late October, keeping the option open, her continued statements about running were to the contrary. Since politicians are not known for dishonesty, no one expected this maneuver. Moreover, with only a few months left until the election, her move is risky, putting all pundits into a frenzy for predictions. "Our entire polling system is in disarray," said George Gallup of Gallup Polls, "and we are now realigning our approach for phone surveys this weekend. This is a boon for the survey business." Initial and preliminary results should be published here on Monday.

With Senator John Kerry as the Democratic candidate, and President George Bush running as a Republican, Mrs. Clinton will be running as a third party candidate, much in the fashion of Ross Perot and Theodore Roosevelt.

Her party will be called the Its About Me Party, and will focus on a skewed derivation of John F. Kennedys famous call to national unity and service. Mrs. Clinton's slogan will read, "Its not what you can do for the country, but what the country should do for you," reflecting the new wave of Democratic thinking. She will streamline all speeches about this as she soapboxes at college campuses, homeless shelters and yacht clubs across America.

Howard Dean, although already announcing his support of Mr. Kerry, is being rumored as the running mate. Mr. Dean, who was squashed in the primaries after his off-key primal scream, will stump the country, hoping to re-attract the teenage voters who once visited his website. President Bush has already conceded that the 18-19 year old demographic is probably lost, and that the Republicans instead will need to highlight issues important to working adults.

Should Mrs. Clinton win, her cabinet will be revolutionary, although in-tow with her personal beliefs. Unnamed sources claim National Organization of Women president Kim Gandy will be offered the Secretary of Health and Human Services spot, Planned Parenthood president Gloria Feldt will head up the Secretary of Education spot, National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League president Kate Michelman will be Secretary of the Interior. Jesse Jackson -- known for his hot air -- will handle all Secretary of Energy efforts. Unlike President Bush who appointed a Democrat (Norman Yoshio Mineta, Secretary of Transportation), Mrs. Clinton is not expected to have as balanced a cabinet. Other cabinets positions were not suggested at this time. Some have mentioned that Mrs. Clinton may put the Secretary of Defense position on hiatus.

If elected, her immediate days in office will work toward abortion rights for youth, gay marriages and the dissolution of the standard "one man, one woman" definition of the modern marriage, and the elimination of parental decision making in their childrens lives. Her de facto position will not be as bohemian as it sounds, as she will continue to live with her legalhusband, William Clinton, who once held the presidency himself. Mrs. Clinton declined to describe the role Monica Lewinsky might play in her election hopes.

When interviewed on "Meet the Press," Mrs. Clinton said, "Children 1,000 years ago had twice the privileges they have now. They married younger, they worked younger, and they had children younger. We need the youth of today to take back America." She reminded audiences that it will still take a village to raise those children, but that they should not expect the village to control them.

Conservative groups are alarmed, worried that repercussions of Mrs. Clintons platform could result in an increase of liberal cartoons on PBS.

Hardcore Republicans, as well as as moderates, will continue to support President Bush. It is unknown how this news will affect Mr. Kerry's chances.

For another, unrealistic fantasy charming today's youth, try Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6).

-----------------------

* By now, everyones upset. The ardent Republicans might think I am a complete liberal Democrat, and the committed Democrats might think I am a right-winger. Either way, it is all in good fun. Mr. Kerry had more votes than any other presidential candidate in history, except for George W. Bush, who beat him soundly. Mrs. Clinton appears now to be running for the 2008 campaign.

by the editors of the HungarianBookstore.com
April 2004