Hillary Announces She's Running for the Presidency
Howard Dean is the Expected Running Mate *
---- by Anthony Trendl, ALT News Service
editor of hungarianbookstore.com
CHICAGO -- In a bold, unorthodox move, Hillary Clinton, famous for her strong, contentious liberal views and carpet bagging, has announced today at the Playboy Mansion in Chicago that she will run for the presidency in the 2004 National Election. Mrs. Clinton spoke about how she would bring America to the underpaid factory worker and to the stay-at-home mom. Beside her applauding were billionaire investor Sam Zell and Playboy's CEO Christie Hefner.
This is unusual, as though her necessary papers were filed in late October, keeping the option open, her continued statements about running were to the contrary. Since politicians are not known for dishonesty, no one expected this maneuver. Moreover, with only a few months left until the election, her move is risky, putting all pundits into a frenzy for predictions. "Our entire polling system is in disarray," said George Gallup of Gallup Polls, "and we are now realigning our approach for phone surveys this weekend. This is a boon for the survey business." Initial and preliminary results should be published here on Monday.
With Senator John Kerry as the Democratic candidate, and President George Bush running as a Republican, Mrs. Clinton will be running as a third party candidate, much in the fashion of Ross Perot and Theodore Roosevelt.
Her party will be called the Its About Me Party, and will focus on a skewed derivation of John F. Kennedys famous call to national unity and service. Mrs. Clinton's slogan will read, "Its not what you can do for the country, but what the country should do for you," reflecting the new wave of Democratic thinking. She will streamline all speeches about this as she soapboxes at college campuses, homeless shelters and yacht clubs across America.
Howard Dean, although already announcing his support of Mr. Kerry, is being rumored as the running mate. Mr. Dean, who was squashed in the primaries after his off-key primal scream, will stump the country, hoping to re-attract the teenage voters who once visited his website. President Bush has already conceded that the 18-19 year old demographic is probably lost, and that the Republicans instead will need to highlight issues important to working adults.
Should Mrs. Clinton win, her cabinet will be revolutionary, although in-tow with her personal beliefs. Unnamed sources claim National Organization of Women president Kim Gandy will be offered the Secretary of Health and Human Services spot, Planned Parenthood president Gloria Feldt will head up the Secretary of Education spot, National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League president Kate Michelman will be Secretary of the Interior. Jesse Jackson -- known for his hot air -- will handle all Secretary of Energy efforts. Unlike President Bush who appointed a Democrat (Norman Yoshio Mineta, Secretary of Transportation), Mrs. Clinton is not expected to have as balanced a cabinet. Other cabinets positions were not suggested at this time. Some have mentioned that Mrs. Clinton may put the Secretary of Defense position on hiatus.
If elected, her immediate days in office will work toward abortion rights for youth, gay marriages and the dissolution of the standard "one man, one woman" definition of the modern marriage, and the elimination of parental decision making in their childrens lives. Her de facto position will not be as bohemian as it sounds, as she will continue to live with her legalhusband, William Clinton, who once held the presidency himself. Mrs. Clinton declined to describe the role Monica Lewinsky might play in her election hopes.
When interviewed on "Meet the Press," Mrs. Clinton said, "Children 1,000 years ago had twice the privileges they have now. They married younger, they worked younger, and they had children younger. We need the youth of today to take back America." She reminded audiences that it will still take a village to raise those children, but that they should not expect the village to control them.
Conservative groups are alarmed, worried that repercussions of Mrs. Clintons platform could result in an increase of liberal cartoons on PBS.
Hardcore Republicans, as well as as moderates, will continue to support President Bush. It is unknown how this news will affect Mr. Kerry's chances.
For another, unrealistic fantasy charming today's youth, try Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6).
* By now, everyones upset. The ardent Republicans might think I am a complete liberal Democrat, and the committed Democrats might think I am a right-winger. Either way, it is all in good fun. Mr. Kerry had more votes than any other presidential candidate in history, except for George W. Bush, who beat him soundly. Mrs. Clinton appears now to be running for the 2008 campaign.
by the editors of the HungarianBookstore.com